Monday, May 28, 2012

PEA GREEN WITH ENVY......




My neighbors backyard...or as I like to refer to her as "the bitch next door".....

Let me explain.

I have lived in my house for about 19 years.  We were the first couple to renovate on our street so I was pretty smug about my home.

Then THEY move in about 5 years later.  She hires my favorite builder to renovate.  That pissed me off.

Now here is where the trouble begins..... she hired another designer to work with.  WHAT????  Does she not know the "talent" that lives next door to her????

AND she proceeds to build a nice big bad ass house.  Making mine look like Barbies play house.  Secretly I still begrudge her but that is her insecurity to need the "bigger house".   Whatever.

Don't get me wrong.  We drink wine on her front porch and all is forgiven.  Then she built a screened in porch with a fireplace.

"What" I said to her...did she rob a bank, is it her life's purpose to just keep pushing our "neighborship"?

Well...just recently I noticed a lot of activity going on in her backyard [although I can't see what is because of bushes].

I felt my blood pressure rising every time I would see her walking her dogs and she would say "you need to come see what we have done".  I would say through clenched teeth...yeah sure bitch "neighbor" [our pet name for each other].

She begged invited me to come by Friday night for a bottle glass of wine.

Here is what I saw.


Are you serious.  You did this just to see the look on my face?  It is not quite finished yet...some awesome cool thing to be done to the concrete wall...I stopped listening.


Nice organic garden on one side.  When she is out of town I will let my dogs in there to pee on it.

More beauty.
Of course..... a water feature.

I am starting to feel real hatred towards her.

Wildflowers.  Wild this bi....atch.
The porch.  
The fireplace.....my wine which I am about to toss in her face.
Did I mention the swing?
AND...this is where we sat while I told her why I resented her so damn much.

Oh we tossed our heads back and laughed. All the while I pictured her losing all of her teeth at an early age.  Or something like that.

Finally I couldn't take it anymore and stumbled home to take out a frozen pizza for dinner.  I am sure she served something worthy of a spread in Martha Stewart on that f*#@**.....back porch.

I will be pouting all weekend.

Happy Memorial Day.  

Sha poo poo.




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67 comments:

Cassie @ Primitive & Proper said...

eh, it's ok if you like that sort of thing. ;) (i am on your side here!)

Dawn F said...

Seems a BIT overdone! ;o)

Kathysue said...

SHA POO POO!
I am laughing so hard!! You need to take this show on the road, I am volunteering to become your agent, for a small fee of course!!
Have a wonderful Memorial Day and keep up the great sense of humor. Love you girl,
xo Kathysue

Anonymous said...

I ADORE YOU!!
Denise

Anonymous said...

I ADORE YOU!!
Denise

Tiffany @ Savor Home said...

Oh my. I feel your pain sista... She may have that bad ass garden and porch, but I bet she can't make me laugh as hard as you make me laugh! I hope you and your pookie (dog) are doing well!

- T. Diddy

Renae Moore said...

Sha Poo Poo...YOU crach me up!
She does, however, have a lovely backyard! And it is SO nice of her to invite you over to enjoy it with her!

Kelly said...

Oh my......you are OUTSTANDING in this post!!!! You decided to voice what you were really thinking and probably what the rest of us would really think if our neighbor did something like that. Ha! I about died when you said you would let your dog over to pee in her garden. I laughed so hard! Glad that you really do like each other. Or do you??? Can't really tell in this post. Ha! I would be jealous too, but hey, who knows the DEBT she just went into over these projects! I think I'm going to have to let my husband read this post. He will like it as much as me. Lucky for me, I don't have rich neighbors to compete with.

PATTY (Senior Designer and Blogger) said...

Sherry....I love this post.
LOVE...LOVE IT.

Karen said...

Sherry you are hilarious. Thanks for the chuckles this morning. That is one beautiful porch but one question...in all that gorgeousness of that huge yard, why no pool? Screw the vegetables...I'd have put in a pool for sure.

Have a good one...

My Crafty Home Life said...

It's lovely. I would like my kitchen garden to resemble that one.

Marianne said...

You are killing me!!! Especially when you said you'd let your dog pee in her garden when she's out of town! Do you know how much I adore you!? xoxo

jkeppel said...

Bitch pleeeease! What a showboat, is that a money tree growing up against her house? Sha Poo Poo, you are the BEST thing on the web (& I am sure you know it) :)

Brandi said...

You are hilarious!!! I lost it when you said you would bring your dog over to pee in her garden.

Jessie said...

Super hilarious post! So many funny moments.

Happy Memorial Day!

Jessie
www.mixandchic.com

lizziefitz said...

I just read this out loud to my husband! I could hardly get the words out or breathe for that matter. You write what we think. Thanks or making my day . Sorry about the B you have to endure day in and day out... The suffering must be intolerable!

AntiqueChase said...

It doesn't matter if she looses all her teeth... she will get better and more fancy ones! lol

Sunny said...

Shouldn't that be "PEE Green with Envy"?????

Kim @ Savvy Southern Style said...

Just call and I will help you take her down!

for the love of a house said...

ohhh, I'm hating that bee-otch too:):) (in a loving neighborly way of course!) You too funny missy!! To get her back just drink all her wine- now, that'll teach her!!

xojoan

Cozy Cottage Slipcovers said...

Hilarious! I called my sister and told her to read your blog for a good laugh. Too too funny. Loved it!

NanaDiana said...

I love it- I am sure you two have a ball together. Gotta love a bit*** er, friend, like that! I hate her FOR you!;>) xo Diana

dorothy said...

you are hilarious!!
and who cares if it's at your neighbors expense!! lol

Designing Domesticity said...

too funny. read it. then passed it to mr. dd to read as well. So good. Thanks for posting, liz

Anonymous said...

Every neighborhood has a show-off and like you, ours is right next door too! At least she invites you over for a drink. Count your blessings -- we don't get to choose our neighbors, so be grateful she's not a slob. Glad you two are really friends and I would bet she's your number one fan.

Simply LKJ said...

OMG...I have not stopped laughing! My hubby hates when "people like that" move next door...it means his bank account just took a hit because I will be green with envy and out to remedy the situation! Oh, by the way...my next door neighbor is getting ready to put her house on the market...any takers???

Acquired Objects said...

Sherry you crack me up and sorry but I'm trying to be your neighbor. I have a neighbor who rides her tractor up here and then mows a very short path in my already perfectly coiffed lawn and then rides away laughing...wench!

XX
Debra~

Holly said...

How funny!!! And how beautiful are those grounds and that grill/fireplace/screened in porch gig?! Wowza...I'd start offering to "house sit" when she goes out of town...PARTAY!

Deserae said...

I can see why you are sooooo envious!!! Their veranda and garden is amazing!!! *sigh*
~Des

Carol@HouseandHomeDefined.com said...

Oh my god. You kill me. What a great story. And, sorry, but it IS a bitchin' yard!!

Anonymous said...

I'm about to pee in my pants...You're so hilarious ! Can't stop laughing... I love that you're giving a voice to all of our "inner bitches".

PURA VIDA said...

Spp, please don't drop me when I confess that I saved several images here to recreate in my own yard. This is so my own neighbor will be green, I call her mrs cravetts because she is very nosy along with being waaaaay richer than me. She also has no idea how to blog, but I'm sure she thinks I'm pretty much the b word too because my people keep parking their crappy trucks on her side of the street teehee

Junell said...

Hilarious! We should both star in Mean Girls Grown Up.....

René said...

You crack me up! I would just go live there when she is out of town. I have a feeling we will see this garden in a magazine spread one day.

Christy Davis said...

Bahahaha!!! You are so funny!!

www.lifeofamodernhousewife.com

Carolyn@Sweet Chaos said...

I love you, Sherry! Come live next door to me. You'll feel MUCH better :)

Angie said...

You are so funny!! Love this post!

Angie said...

You are so funny!! Love this post!

Naz said...

Funniest post ever..!!!! I had tears in my eyes from laughing so hard.

A+ rating

Carla Aston said...

Gawd, you are sooo hilarious. She didn't hire you? What was she thinking? Send the hounds to pee!

casey at loft and cottage said...

My god, is that for real? So gorgeous. And you crack me up. I feel your pain!

heather (love your space) said...

ha ha ha ha ha!!!
I love that you have a tag for "jealousy"!

sixteen fourteen said...

You are friggen hilarious!!! I love the part about stumbling home to put in a frozen pizza. I'd be super mad too if one of my neighbors did that "to me!" They better not!

Katherine @ Grass Stains said...

Her porch is nicer than the majority of the interior of my house. No lie! Beautiful. :)

Missi at havoc-to-heaven.com said...

I was laughing til I pee'd myself. I should have come over to your house and pee'd in the neighbors yard - does human pee leave big yellow yard marks like dogs?? Something to ponder ...

That porch is so unbelievable she may have to be taken down with a leg sweep next time she walks her dog past your house. Crap ... did I just say that out loud!

You are one talented writer girl!

Missi at havoc-to-heaven.com said...

I was laughing til I pee'd myself. I should have come over to your house and pee'd in the neighbors yard - does human pee leave big yellow yard marks like dogs?? Something to ponder ...

That porch is so unbelievable she may have to be taken down with a leg sweep next time she walks her dog past your house. Crap ... did I just say that out loud!

You are one talented writer girl!

Sixty-Fifth Avenue said...

Sha Poo, I love you! You are one funny bi***! That house and yard is gorgeous...WOW! That is all I can say about that.

Loi Thai, Tone on Tone said...

Sha POO POO! You made me laughed so hard at my store reading this!! My customer was wondering what was wrong with me. Are you okay? Sorry, Sha POO POO is making me crack up. No, I'm not on crack. I wanna see you beat her up...take out her teeth ;-)
You are awesome!!
Still cracking up....Loi

Loi Thai, Tone on Tone said...

PS - I'm pinning her back yard to my Pinterest board. It is fabulous....not my fault! ;)
Loi

Barbara Bussey {The Treasured Home} said...

I made the mistake of taking a drink of water (not wine, unfortunately), right before reading the line about the compairison to your Barbie house!
Love you,
Barbara
Fan Club Prez

Velvet and Linen said...

LOL!
Bitch indeed.

xo
Brooke

Anonymous said...

You are all soooo not nice. Her home is gorgeous. Wish mine looked like that. Must you call her nasty names?

Brenda said...

I nominate you for post of the year!! That is so funny. bhahaha

LiveLaughDecorate said...

OMG, what a biatch! I woulda tossed the wine at her as well. I mean, why? Why does she get to flaunt her yard in your face and then offer you a tour and some wine just to add salt to the wound? Sigh. But Sherry, I gotta say, the yard looks AMAZING! But I will hate her and the yard just because we love you and we need to support you on this. Now go and have some more wine.

pam {simple details} said...

But, does she have a world famous blog?!! :)

busana muslim grosir said...

woww great post good luck

Privet and Holly said...

Gosh I just adore you.

xo Suzanne

PS: I have the SAME
horse that is on the
mantle of HER porch.

PPS: Would you hate
me if I said that her
back yard is a dream??

Lisa Mende Design said...

you are too funny! if we lived close to one another we would cause trouble with a capital T. I love your humor! great post. and by the way...i hate her too. beautiful porch and yard.

Anonymous said...

Ugghhh! I have a neighbor like that too! she is quite the biatch. Her & her Husband are always trying to up everyone, and then act like "what that? oohh it's nothing." Pleazzzeee..so irritating, Makes my blood boil too! Nothing is ever good enough for them. I agree with the other comment..THEY ARE PROBABLY SO FAR IN DEBT IT'S SICKENING!

Anonymous said...

You are hilarious!! I busted out laughing about throwing the wine in her face. I love your blog and your humour!!!

Carmel @ Our Fifth House said...

This is hilarious! The dog comment had me in tears- ha! It looks amazing - I'd die for that porch with a fireplace!

Anonymous said...

I LOVE YOUR POSTS you are the funniest, wittiest blogger out there!! Love you!!

laura lentz said...

Never felt quite this bad about a stranger.....show us more of her house so I can gloat that it's not mine......please!

Linda@ Lime in the Coconut said...

Now....tell us what you REALLY feel.

Rosa @ FlutterFlutter said...

Hahaha!! Love it. That is one amazing bloody backyard. I'd hate her too. ;)

Mari Robeson said...

Very, very funny!

Cindy said...

LOL.... Oh yeah... she's bad! Geeeesh... She's probably really nice too... so you can't even hate her.

Cindy